I r e n e  K o k a l e s - N a t z k e
Sibling Rival-ski

WHAT IS THE LATEST WITH YOUR FAMILY? Mom and Dad ok, healthy, happy and all that good stuff? How are your brothers, your sisters? Now that you have the whole gang grouped in your head, what are your thoughts?

If you're anything like me, there is one sibling that you never quite hit it off with. Zoom in on that sibling. What are they up to these days? If they weren't your relative, would you really care?

Here is my story: I was adopted after my Mom had eight miscarriages. The doctor said she had no chance of ever carrying a full term pregnancy. So straightaway, my then childless mom and dad start the adoption process. Contact with an orphanage in Greece is made, a few papers are sent back & forth, lawyers are paid and they merrily jet off to Greece where I was born. I am picked up, brought to America and a happy new family is made. End of story.

But wait! My mom becomes pregnant again (oops) but this time, a bouncing baby girl is born. This is the greatest thing!  Mom and dad couldn't be happier.

It's not the greatest thing for me! I'm jealous! I had been utterly upstaged. I watched on the sidelines as my sister was treated like royalty, no need unmet.  Glorious birthday parties, clothes, a sports car! One day, when I was twelve or thirteen my mom said something meant to be comforting: "you are the intelligent and pretty one. You will be lucky in love. Your sister needs more help and attention." 

"Ok since you put it that way," I thought to myself. Maybe so. An excuse not to deal with me? Did mom actually feel this way? I wondered and spent some time in inner dialogue with comments such as these. The extra 'help' did not enhance my sister's character or sense of responsibility.

My sister and my mom were a team. I was on the outside looking in and I had to come to grips with this or deal with the rage that came with unending jealousy. How to overcome this circumstance?  My dad made the journey a little easier. I could talk with him about things on my mind. Only problem was that he worked from 10AM to 10PM. He owned a grocery store, restaurant and office space. These things occupied almost all his time. I had to make appointments to see him. Even then, vendors, renters or employees would interrupt. I didn't get much time with dad but I was happy and grateful for the times I did. At least he penciled me in and seemed sincere as I voiced my concerns. He even seemed to be on my side at times.

Now my sister, the miracle baby, is all grown up and is having a difficult period in her life. She is calling on me to help her.

Spiritual me. Trying to straighten out the knots in my threads of fate. It is especially now that I turn to the various teachings I've encountered in life: The Four Noble Truths and Eightfold path from Buddhism, which teach impermanence and elimination of craving. Meditation, contemplation and stillness. Another teaching I draw on frequently is one that urges the seeker not to impose his or her will on others. When I found this teaching, I was amazed at how much disharmony this behavior brings and how I engaged in it frequently every day unconsciously. Even though I try to be mindful of these teachings and draw on them as much as possible for answers and guidance, a nasty little gremlin voice says, "the kid's on her own. She sleeps in the bed she made."

The saintly, too-good-to-be-true voice says, "Go to her. Give her what she needs, no matter what it is. Your childhood is long over, mother is gone (deceased) and so are the hurts from then."

The voice of wisdom says, "Talk to her for now, and listen. Take time to consider her situation. Pray for guidance. Be ready for the time when she asks, what is the best way? By taking time in quiet contemplation, asking for higher guidance, the answer will come and maybe it will be just the answer she needs at the moment. Maybe the sincere dialogue will open her heart and mind, and solutions may come to her as a result of the calm, gentle, thought-out conversation."

What do you think? What would you do? How are you dealing with a sibling who has caused you angst in the past?